Radical homosexuals ate my baby! OMG Really!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, right here on our stage, a fine and terrifyingly hilarious — or is that hilariously terrifying? — spectacle, for your disquieting reading pleasure. Please, remove the children. Ready?

Behold, an item known henceforth as the National Impact Survey of the Radical Homosexual Agenda in California Public Schools, as recently and furtively received/discovered by yours truly, your humble and sexually perverted and imperfectly liberal, very-straight-but-very-gay-rights-supporting satire columnist, in a roundabout manner I cannot divulge right now lest I might get shot waiting in line at Starbucks.

What is the NISRHACPS, you ask? Why, it’s a document. It’s a mailer. It’s a survey of sorts, a short, wretched little questionnaire made entirely of sadness and bile and fear.

It’s a piece of paper sent out en masse to particular members of the Republican party who are so openly terrified of all homosexual personages, they fully believe said gays are actively bewitching and recruiting your innocent children behind the locked doors of hugely perverted schoolhouses near you.

This document is, apparently, highly confidential. Everything about it — the shouty ALL CAPS HEADLINES, the copious red ink, the simpleton second-grade language — screams that I’m not supposed to be reading it, given how I have, you know, a functioning intellect, can walk upright, enjoy copious amounts of sex, and speak in complete sentences. Often all at the same time. I know!

In fact, most liberals, moderates, chimps, garden gnomes and humans with intact brainstems have likely never seen this document, given how it is carefully targeted only at persons of dangerously limited consciousness, people who clearly think book learnin’ is for elitists, the vagina was created by the devil and Sarah Palin is like, super-duper smart, and stuff.

You perhaps think I am exaggerating? I am not exaggerating. Behold:

RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA IMPACT RESEARCH SURVEY BACKGROUND: American standards of sexual morality have eroded to the point that almost nothing is off-limits in our schools. […] Graphic details of perverted sex practices are being taught to high school children, and parents are being locked out of assemblies lead by radical homosexual activists. How long will it be before sex between adults and children is just the next barrier to be torn down? How long will it take before radical homosexual activists achieve their next evil objective?

That’s the first paragraph, more or less. It was difficult to transcribe verbatim, given how it’s such a bizarre arrangement of verbiage, such a sickening cluster of sentences, I couldn’t really write it without my heart clenching and my brain actively recoiling. Also, it’s tough to type when you’re laughing, shaking your head, and slamming Maker’s Mark to numb the savage karmic pain, all at once.

There are 10 questions in the NISRHACPS. They are all, as you imagine, completely silly, front-loaded, leading questions along the lines of “Pimply spidermutants from planet Fukulon-7 like to devour the severed heads of newborn baby deer like popcorn. Do you support this practice? Yes [ ] No [ ] Don’t Know [ ]”

In other words, they aren’t really questions at all, and are far more like validations of an outlandish kind of ignorance, a repressed sexual fantasia, the honest belief that godless heathens have penetrated the public school system using giant strap-on dildos and are secretly teaching your little ones about, presumably, leather chaps, Adam Lambert, love and other such abominations.

I shall not attempt any sort of itemized correction of this amazing document. I am not here to shine a light on all the obvious lies and misstatements contained in this “survey.” The fact that it’s total nonsense, or that the framing device is hilariously lopsided, is not for this column to remedy.

Besides, it’s nothing really new. This kind of shrill fearmongering and right-wing propaganda has been going on since Rush Limbaugh was knee high to Pat Roberston’s gay bathhouse towel boy’s coke spoon. What’s more, if you’re reading this column, odds are extremely good you’re already many, many times smarter than the target demographic of this survey.

But oh, what a target. Allow me to point up one aspect of the NISRHACPS I find particularly distressing. It is this: the document comes from — and is aimed straight at — women.

The Full Story at SFGATE.COM

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